[Darren]

Easter Friday Funnies


What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an oversterssed person?
An Easter basket case!

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
EGG-xercise and HARE-robics!

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital?
Albunny, New York!

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a crazy rabbit?
One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Esther
Esther who?
Esther Bunny!

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one – after that it’s not empty any more!

What's long and stylish and full of cats?
The Easter Purrade!

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?
It might crack up!

How does Easter end?
With the letter R!

What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
His lucky people's foot!

What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
The Easter Bunana!

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
Eggs (X) marks the spot!

How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?
He said it was eggs-cellent!

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
Because the powder puff is on the other end!

Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?
Because it's always on a sundae!

How does the Easter Bunny travel?
By hare plane!

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush!

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you!

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
With a hare-dryer!

How does a rabbit keep his fur looking good?
With hare spray!

Why did the bunny go to the dance?
To do the bunny hop!

What kinds of books do bunnies like?
Ones with hoppy endings!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
Because it has four rabbit’s feet!

What did the rabbits do after their wedding?
Went on their bunnymoon!

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
He was having a bad hare day!

Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
They lived hoppily ever after!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rabbit?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots!

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Who is the Easter Bunny's favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro!

Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!

What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
An Easter bunnet!

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
The Easter Banana!

Why does Peter Cottontail hop down the bunny trail?
Because his parents wouldn't let him borrow the car!

What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain!

How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
Hide in a bush and make a noise like a carrot!

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A funny bunny!

What's soft and white and rolls down the bunny trail?
Peter Cottonball!

What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter?
Colored eggrolls!

Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck?
Because he kept quacking all the eggs!

[Darren]

Whore house

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
That’s serious says the doctor.
You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
Yes says the man seriously.
Well says the doctor You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!

If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No shit?'
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening
to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry!
And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're
going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to
go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and
hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


My wife and I were at home watching television.

I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake,

LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL"!

You already know how to fish!"
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

New Zealand/Australia tensions

A New Zealand man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

His Australian wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,

You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. ""f*ck that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously." What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."" What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction

[Stika]

Take very special notice of the lesson for today ..............

TODAYS LESSON

http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll64/Stikasupra/cow.jpg

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember:


Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!
http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll64/Stikasupra/cow2.jpg

END OF LESSON

[Darren]

Little Johnny's sister

Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...Salty."
………………………………………………………………………………………………

The STIMULUS PLAN Mascot
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM
Because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects
A bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Damn it just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Millions of Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Polishing Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Bank Robbers

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Expectant Father

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

[Darren]

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.




Turner Brown

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big, huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7' tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, testicles - 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?"

In a weak voice, the little man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?

The big guy says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,and my name is Turner Brown."

The little man said, "Oh thank God! I thought you said TURN AROUND!"
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..


Costume Party

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found Colin standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said Colin. "I just came in my pants!"
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….


Christmas Raffle

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..


Riding the Bus

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.

Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Blue Suit


Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads

[Darren]

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a handsome Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

[Darren]

SOME GEMS FROM DEB

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The £2.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR MODERN SENIORS



How fast can you guess these words?




1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM





---------------------------------------------------------------------------





Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong ... didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a
pervert.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..


Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an airline flight to Canberra .
She turned to the little girl and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Julia. "How about global warming, refugee policy, or stimulus packages?"

"OK," the little girl said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose this is?"

Julia, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, refugees, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

She then went back to reading her book.

[LJZ]

haha daz the julie gillard one was gold. i will be forwarding that one on for sure

[Darren]

Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
And plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
Takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
""Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"


His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.


"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and
Brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"


"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have
A Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred,
Starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.
Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
Him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four
Letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time











Fred's funeral will be on Saturday
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Ski Buddies


Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.

To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Lazy Golfer


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….


Base Hit


A Boston fan, a Yankees fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Yankees fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Boston fan is holding his slapped face. The Boston fan is thinking, "That Yankees fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela is thinking, "That Boston fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Yankees fan, and got slapped for it." And the Yankees fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Boston fan again".
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


Albert Einstein


Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241".

"That is wonderful!", says Albert.

"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!".

Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144".

"That is great!", responds Albert.

"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the third man answers, "51".

"How about them Yankees eh?", says Albert.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sports Fishing

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..


Stung While Golfing

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?"

The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"

The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."

To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….


Top 10 Caddy Comments

10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake!
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course!
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth!

8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now!

7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually!

6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence!

5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch, it's a compass!

4. Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

And the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

[Darren]

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
Requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
Holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Darren]

Last 10 cents


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10 c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Australian Tax Office...'

[Darren]

Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Nice Guy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Donation

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………
My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

An Aniversary


Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

[Darren]

friday funnies, be warned some are a bit crude

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he's still going.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.


Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant




There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.


SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.


SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do He pulled down his pants.




SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for THOSE who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
HOW TO START A FIGHT:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought
you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my
wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But,
somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated
in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and
then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from
0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You
should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad
day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bitches 'til the End!

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

[Darren]

Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Free drinks for everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

He is a very fast drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I am afraid of that tarmac

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I'll trust you that you paid

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Bad luck finding a place to hide

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

[Darren]

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it
………………………………………………………………………………………………..



New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Cookie the Cat's Resolutions

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in � and visa versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I�m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.
…………………………………………………………………………………………

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

10. Read less.


9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.


6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.


2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

[Darren]

Paddy and Murphy are on the cruise ship costa concordia. Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band."
Paddy says, "There isn't a band playing tonight."
Murphy says "I definitely heard some f*cker say "a band on ship"."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
X-Rated Videos

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Three in OZ

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart." President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take Dorothy."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Five Dollars

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow. "Fifty dollars! ", she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" , fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill . . . "See what you get for five bucks?"
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Minister takes a Airplane Flight

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Cowboy And The Biker

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'