[Damo]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh#tting the bed".


:sex:

[Damo]

THINGS TO PONDER:

- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[Boost Samurai]

I'm a visual kindda guy so here's my addition....

Attached File(s)

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[KAMiKAZE]

ITS JUST BUSINESS
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

The Polish one fcuking cracks me up because its so true!

[PK]

KAMiKAZE, on Jan 29 2006, 11:11 AM, said:

ITS JUST BUSINESS
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara ...<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You missed one:

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...

:lol:

This post has been edited by SupraPolak: 29 January 2006 - 10:46 AM

[Boost Samurai]

Nice one guys... In keeping with my visual theme though... :D

http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/3346/sasnonuderaven29on.jpg

[PK]

SupraPolak, on Jan 29 2006, 11:39 AM, said:

Nice one guys... In keeping with my visual theme though... :D

http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/3346/sasnonuderaven29on.jpg
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Woo hoo!

My reputation is spreading!

PK

[PK]

p.s. I'd like to meet 'Raven'!!

Sorry if it is someone's partner!

PK

[Boost Samurai]

In keeping with your postwhoring I just thought you'd prefer the bird with the tatts :D

[Boost Samurai]

Oh, and you can check Raven out at Raven's Blog - NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!! you have been warned!!!!

[PK]

SupraPolak, on Jan 29 2006, 11:51 AM, said:

Oh, and you can check Raven out at Raven's Blog - NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!! you have been warned!!!!
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:o

Suddenly I dont want to meet her at all anymore. :puke:

PK

[PK]

SupraPolak, on Jan 29 2006, 11:48 AM, said:

In keeping with your postwhoring I just thought you'd prefer the bird with the tatts :D
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thats a negative...

:puke: :puke: :puke: :puke:

[Boost Samurai]

sure sure, that's what you say on here :D :P Mwahaha

Anyway, back to the jokes....

[PK]

A good definition:

Best mate:- meaning:- © (also known as prick)

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate .
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs,
and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."


:lol:

[Damo]

ha ha I want one...

[Damo]

:sex:

[Damo]

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what exactly do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" "To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."




:sex:

[Boost Samurai]

GOLD! Mwahahaha.

I could see that one comming when I started reading the last paragraph ;)

[djcrypt]

SupraPolak, on Jan 29 2006, 10:39 AM, said:

Nice one guys... In keeping with my visual theme though... :D

http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/3346/sasnonuderaven29on.jpg
<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

tell me thatsthe real truth! that would be sooooo good if she actually wrote that :claps: , and showed it on the net, and didnt get in trouble cause of a contract. come to think, i dont think she really said that :P :crazy:

DJCrypt

[Damo]

not bad ehh.

:sex: